Respect Authority

Imagine a possible scenario in the not so distant future…

The year is 2010. The month is August. It’s a Maverday like any other Maverday in the McCain presidency (Maverday being McCain’s idea to fix the economy by adding an 8th day to every week). Recently, America set a record for having the highest population of babies in the military thanks to abortion being banned and the draft being reinstated.

Under the new law, all former abortion-eligible babies (which is what they prefer to be called) were placed in the military immediately after birth. This new wing of soldiers has been named “The Fightin’ Fetuses,” and their record so far has been most impressive, though quite messy at times. Much like John McCain’s America.

President McCain was elected in a landslide victory in November 2008 thanks to hundreds of thousands of “Joe the Racists” finally coming together in an epic moment of national unity. Former Senator Barack Obama (now deported) was thought to end the eight year drought of Democrats in the Oval Office, but unfortunately for him, he was only able to carry the vote in Newport News, Virginia.

Immediately after McCain was elected, he didn’t even wait until his Inauguration before declaring war on Spain (rumors hint that McCain had been waiting to do so ever since eating some “unruly flan” in February of 1983). It’s hard to imagine that it’s now been two years since McCain closed his classic war declaration speech with these now legendary words:

“So in conclusion my friends, those Spaniards talk too fast and their colorful clothing makes my head hurt! Let’s kill em all! May God bless you, and may God bless my Geritol shipments!”

In a shocking turn of events, however, Spain has been able to hold off the American forces (led by the Baby Army and the Kitty Kwusaders) for the past two years to a point where things are now at a standstill, which heavily favors Spain and President Jose Luis Zapatero (seen here at a recent Zorro Rally). According to the Ancient Rules Of War written by King Jack Porus of Paurava circa 327 BC, in the event of a tie the war will be decided in a tiebreaker where:

“The two leaders shall compete in a Jumping-Jack competition until a clear winner is chosen by the gods. If a winner is not obvious after a double-fortnight and one crow of the raven, the winner shall then be decided with The Dance of the Hawk Claws*.”

(*ed. note: what we now call “air quotes”)

Critics at the time of this agreement questioned McCain’s decision to honor King Jack Porus’ (who also invented the jumping-jack) extremely outdated rules, but McCain laughed off their doubts because of his unwavering faith in his Infant Infantry and all those confused kittens. It’s easy to look back now and see that these soldiers were no match for fully grown Spanish men with guns and bombs as well as formidable communication skills. 

One wonders why McCain would even risk the chance of a Jumping-Jack tiebreaker, considering the fact that HE IS PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE OF LIFTING HIS ARMS ABOVE HIS SHOULDERS. It certainly was an odd decision, and seeing as how the competition will be held seven days from now on Wednesday the 34th, (which coincidentally is the second annual Alaskan Independence Day) America may lose yet another war that involves John McCain.

Here’s hoping that McCain can somehow outlast the potential four-week-long competition, because he has a serious advantage in the Dance of the Hawk Claws. It may be a long shot, but McCain needs to stay strong and continue to put his Country First, for the sake of its citizens, and for the sake of its unwanted baby soldiers.

The kittens Spain can keep.