Respect Authority

The world’s fattest man got married this weekend, making life just that much more depressing for people who are middle-aged, unmarried and not 1,000 pounds.

Mexico’s Manuel Uribe married his longtime girlfriend Claudia Solis, wearing, and I quote “a white silk shirt with a sheet wrapped around his legs.” His girlfriend walked down a flight of stairs wearing a strapless ivory dress, tiara and pink lipstick. More than 400 guests attended. 

Since Uribe can’t stand, let alone, walk the two “swayed together” to a romantic first song, an image I find completely depressing and hilarious at the same time. This too: 

A flatbed truck was brought in to tow his custom-made bed decorated with a canopy, flowers and gold-trimmed bows to the wedding at a local event hall. Two police patrol cars escorted him ahead of a long line of traffic.

Indeed, although not leaving your bed for six years might SOUND sexually promising, in this case it just means Uribe can’t get up, to say nothing of getting “it” up. 

To be fair, the guy’s lost about 550 pounds so far, and his newest goal (after taking the cake, no pun intended, for fattest man in the world) is to be the record-holder for most weight lost. Personally I consider this cheating since the fatter you were to start, the more weight there is to lose. Moreover, perhaps he shouldn’t be concerning himself so much with which accomplishments make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, and more with things like standing, walking and being able to wear pants. 

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