Respect Authority

When people ask me about space, and you’d be surprised at how often they do, I tend to display a notable lack of enthusiasm for the idea of traveling there. This is to say I make comments like “No way in fuck am I going to space.” My reasons are numerous: I have a distinct fear of wide open areas, I wouldn’t look good in a spacesuit, and space doesn’t have TiVo (yet). But while I was sitting back, bitching and moaning about zero-gravity training and the unflattering texture of impenetrable fabrics, people who think of and subsequently invent stuff to make our lives easier (scientists) were discovering a way to get people like myself in orbit.

There’s science involved in the so-called “space elevator,” but I don’t have time for science. All I know is that in November there’s going to be a conference where smart people legitimately discuss the idea of an elevator—hooked to a cable—that takes people to space. Personally, I think this is an awesome idea. I love elevators, particularly because they eliminate the need for stairs, or in this case gigantic spaceships.

That said, I have some questions I’m hoping will be asked at said conference.

1. Why is space considered the hundred-thousandth floor?
2. Will I be able to get off at the 90,999th floor?
3. Will there be an elevator operator?
4. If so, will he wear a bellhop-esque spacesuit?
5. Is this elevator going to be in any way modeled after the elevator at the end of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
6. Will Aerosmith be allowed to shoot a follow-up video for “Love in an Elevator” in the space-evator?

I’d also like the next international space-related conference to stay in the theme of space travel without spaceships. My idea: zipline to space.