Respect Authority

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he was a kid toucher and it’s a violation of his parole to be outside of his house on Halloween.

Police in San Antonio, Texas have arrested 24 sex-offense suspects in the past two days. No word on whether the cops used lassos to apprehend the suspects, or if they hog-tied them afterward, although this seems unlikely considering some sex offenders probably do that to themselves as a hobby. The effort is part of a national roundup of sex offenders before Halloween, because after all, only the ones who have been caught before are the ones who are going to be diddling kids with their hard candy this October.

Indeed, this Fall, it’s hard out there for a pimp… if you’re a pimp who touches little kids in the pants. A group of Missouri sex-offenders are suing the state over a new law that bars them from all Halloween-related contact with children. Thanksgiving-related wishbone-tugging is still fair game, however.

Meanwhile in Maryland, 1,200 violent and child sex-offenders were issued signs reading “No candy at this residence,” which must be placed on their front doors to avoid a parole violation. It’s unclear as to whether the residents can amend the sign to say “No candy at this residence… but plenty of kid-loving dick!” Undoubtedly, there are sure to be pedophiles out there who are willing to show law enforcement that they have an entirely different definition of “Butterfinger.” Hold on one second, I just made myself vomit by accident.

Maryland’s enforcements are similar to that of many other states, who are issuing curfews, disallowing sex-offenders from keeping their outdoor lights on, and will not permit them to hand out candy. In fact, they’re not even allowed to lie and say that they have candy waiting in their car if the kid would only come with them for a few minutes, which seems downright cruel and bordering on blatant prejudice. Come on now, this is a way of life, people! How are you supposed to be a respectable child molester if you aren’t even allowed to molest children? I mean, really. This country’s going straight down the tubes.

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