Respect Authority

Breaking news! Rudy Giuliani is still just as disgusting and unlikeable as ever! Granted, being a hypocrite, shameless opportunist, and overall scumbag makes him a perfect candidate for a new RNC robocall issued to voters in swing states.

On the other hand, being generally hated by literally almost everyone makes him a little less than perfect, which I guess would actually make him a perfect fit for the McCain campaign after all! Welcome to the United States Presidential Election 2008, everyone. Believe me, I’m just as confused as you are.

The call attacks Barack Obama for supposedly being soft on street crime and opposing mandatory minimum jail sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers, and murderers. The call, starring Giuliani’s charming lisp, surely resonates highly coming from such a pinnacle of sexual morality.

Hi, this is Rudy Giuliani and I’m calling for John McCain and the Republican National Committee, because you need to know that Barack Obama opposes mandatory prison sentences for sex offenders, drug dealers, and murderers. It’s true, I read Obama’s words myself. And recently, Congressional liberals introduced a bill to eliminate mandatory prison sentences for violent criminals — trying to give liberal judges the power to decide whether criminals are sent to jail or set free. With priorities like these, we just can’t trust the inexperience and judgment of Barack Obama and his liberal allies. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee and McCain-Palin 2008.

Sex offenders, drug dealers, scary congressional liberals… oh my! Personally, the most frightening part of the call for me would be when I picked up the phone and heard, “Hi, this is Rudy Giuliani.” For fuck’s sake man, I’m trying to eat here, and now I’ve lost my appetite thinking about you making sure my Frosted Flakes never forget.

Plus, what the fuck is this “liberal allies” shit? What happened to “reaching across the aisle”… or did the fact that McCain can’t even raise his arms above his own head put a stop to that?

Not to mention, when McCain gets elected, dies, and I’m forced to kill Sarah Palin in order to save the entire human race, I know I’m going to be wishing there weren’t mandatory minimums, so I don’t see this tactic working terribly well. Then again, when you’re less than two weeks away from losing the race, why not enlist the help of somebody who already did? Well… I guess if you actually wanted to win, that would be one reason.

[Huffington Post]