Respect Authority

Last week was sort of a slow-mo fall playing on a continuous loop for the entire country. Between the stock market acting like a junkie on a mandatory 11:30 am nap outside the Taco Bell, and the American presidential election inching ever closer to parody as it approaches its final days, there wasn’t a whole lot worth laughing about, unless you’re a masochist or a member of Al Queda.

Hey, at least this election has resulted in a lot of great new t-shirts, right? At this rate, I’m going to be able to outfit my kids with Obama promotional apparel well into the second nuclear holocaust. So let’s give it up for things to be thankful for with another edition of The Future Freaks Me Out, and here are a few more reasons to look forward to the coming week, courtesy of Respect Authority’s hangover.

For Laughs

Perhaps as a followup to 2006’s uproarious World Trade Center or maybe just a reaction to one of those “if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry… or considering assassinating a public official” types of situations, Oliver Stone’s W. releases in theaters this Friday. The comedy-biography follows the life of George W. Bush, including, of course, some of his highlights as President, such as that little thing we’ve come to know as The Vietna- uh, I mean, The War Against Everyone Who Isn’t Whi- I’m sorry, Iraq. However, early reviews of the film have mentioned that it’s actually surprisingly fair to the President which… really, doesn’t sound like that much fun at all.

For Tears

It feels a little cruel to provide you all with a topic for the sake of tears considering we hardly have a shortage of them lately. Unfortunately, that’s not stopping the wonderful world we live in from delivering more relative tragedies daily — with so many choices, how are you supposed to pick just one? Well, cheer up — The Daily News wrote yesterday that prostitution is still going strong in light of the country’s economic woes. So, when the markets open back up again and the weekend is no longer there to protect us from chaos returning to tear our complacency asunder, at least we’ll still be able to turn to paid sex to help us run away from our problems… after all, there’s no better time to be bankrolling the daily AIDS cocktail than during a global depression.

One Manhattan prostitute claims a spoonful of her sugar really can help all that bad Wall Street medicine go down, saying “Some of them [businessmen] seem depressed, and they just want a place to get away from it,” utterly clueless to the fact that perhaps the entire reason these men are depressed in the first place is because they’ve been reduced to paying for sex with whores who probably banged their fat, hairy bosses fifteen minutes earlier.

For Shits and Giggles

Apparently, there’s some kind of presidential debate going on this Wednesday. The candidates will, shockingly, say literally the exact same things they’ve been saying for the past two debates as both senators try desperately to hang on to their constituencies and make it to November 4th without farting in public or walking around for a while with a booger hanging out of their nose. This will not be a “game changer” for either opponent or American voters, but one thing is for sure: as a society, the game needs to be changed. Personally, I’m sick of this fucking game. I wanna play Mario Kart 64… freeze tag… fuck, at this point I’d even go for Seven Minutes In Heaven… with John McCain!… really, any game other than this one would be great.

Additionally, while probably not worth an entire post of its own, it occurred to me while writing this and simultaneously listening to R. Kelly’s entire discography that he sure does love remixes! He’s always fucking singing about them! Lovin’ and peein’ and remixin’.

Last Week’s Highlights

• The Vampire Renaissance — We’ve come a long way as individuals, and the ever-growing popularity of vampires in popular culture is no small proof. Today, Chris Brown does fanged back flips in his music videos, when five years ago in high school he probably called the pale kids wearing all black “faggots.” And while Brown’s vampire-inspired footwork has helped propel him to heights of fame incredibly quickly, those kids are still just as pale, still wearing black, and still no closer to having sex than they were at 16.
• Bus Battles — Respect Authority’s ambassador to the UK covers the difference between New York City’s buses and London’s, also noting that the MTA is reintroducing double-decker buses to its fleet, and that while he hasn’t yet seen the two different buses transform into large, sentient fighting robots, he remains hopefully optimistic.
• In Future Chocolate News — We bring you coverage from the near-future, when Comedy Central unsurprisingly cancels David Alan Grier’s new Chocolate News halfway through the first episode. Reportedly, the show was in fact funnier than nonstop laugh-riot (or pathetic attempt to capitalize on Chapelle Show’s popularity while completely missing the point, depending on how sarcastic you feel like being) Mind of Mencia, and this is actually the reason the network decided to give Grier the axe, because they are fools and they know that their audience, naturally, are even bigger fools.
• Is Fat Cat Steve Jobs Building a Secret Factory? — While I’m still waiting anxiously for the R. Kelly special edition iBelieve I Can Fly, it seems Steve Jobs has other plans in mind as rumors of Apple building a secret factory in the US circulate. Reportedly, the factory would rely on a revolutionary manufacturing process where a solid chunk of aluminum gets carved into MacBooks by magical Apple elves, who never get tired, derive orgasmic pleasure from physical labor, and are better paid than any other work group in America.
• More Records Than The K.G.B. — To err is human, to like MIA’s “Paper Planes” is… um… also human, it seems. Everybody I know likes this song, because it was created in a secret lab, hidden inside a volcano, with the sole purpose of making human beings love it, using some bizarre alchemy. So, as if you haven’t heard enough of the song yet, you can download four diverse remixes/mashups of the single here and assure that in a month, even just thinking about the song will prompt suicidal fantasies.