Respect Authority

This just in, robots now at least… 16 times scarier than before!

As if the chilling video proving that it is indeed possible to make a robot with Down Syndrome wasn’t scary enough, here’s something even more terrifying: facts. This future agent of the apocalypse is called the Hybrid Assistive Limb (HAL) and has 50 sensors and a series of motors to help it move. Additionally, it’s been made to help disabled people move better… and chop them up into a thousand little pieces while they sleep, no doubt. The robot was based on an actual 5 year old… uh, yeah, apparently the one from The Grudge.

Robotics company Cyberdyne Inc is going to begin producing these mechanical horrors, developed by Osaka University’s Robotics Department, on a mass scale on Friday. Friday, an army of future grocery store baggers and McDonald’s mop-pushers… Saturday, the world!

It’s not that I’m a technophobe… in fact, I regularly benefit from the luxuries afforded to me thanks to the presence of technology in my life; I welcome the addition of helpful gadgets and am routinely impressed by innovations in technology and science. Not to mention, if my beloved iMac were ever taken from me, I would have to construct an army of murderous robots myself to find and dismember those responsible, shortly before I slowly dropped to my knees atop the massacre and performed hari-kiri while wailing in mourning at the full moon.

Nonetheless, I don’t trust robots. They have glowing eyes, the strength of a thousand men, an innate lack of mercy, and I have reason to believe that at least half of them have a vendetta against mankind. My reason… revenge after years of fat, depressing geeks wacking off in front of their grandparents. Plus, computers crash plenty often on their own — we hardly need to go making them retarded on purpose.

As if that wasn’t enough, didn’t any of you see the groundbreaking 1999 documentary The Matrix?

We don’t know who struck first, us or them. But we do know it was us that scorched the sky. At the time, they were dependent on solar power. It was believed they would be unable to survive without an energy source as abundant as the sun.

Yeah, no thanks, Morph. I’ll take the blue pill, and that little white one with the smiley face printed on it too if that’s cool.

[Nothing To Do With Arbroath]