Respect Authority

If your brain’s become a continuous loop of economy, election, economy, election, econolection, then it’s time for some distraction. Things are getting too serious in these parts, and since we’re all going to have less free time next year anyway (bread lines are time consuming), now’s when we should be keeping our hearts as light as our wallets.

Respect Authority planned The Future Freaks Me Out in advance this week, maybe because we’re organized, or maybe because we attended a wedding on Saturday, so Sunday is all about rest, red Gatorade and recovery. Enjoy.

For Laughs

The concert isn’t until next Monday, but it can’t hurt to have some advance notice on this one… in case you wanted to get tickets. Yes, New Kids on the Block are making a triumphant return to the world of music, concerts and being recognized, with a performance at Madison Square Garden on Oct. 27. Their clothes may be circa 1990, and their dance moves sort of like Usher in slow motion, but nothing beats lyrics like these: “You got the right stuff, baby/Love the way you turn me on/You got the right stuff, baby/You’re the reason why I sing this song.” Wow, swoon. 

For Tears

Seriously, there’s a third one. High School Musical 3: Senior Year comes out on Friday and if you live anywhere near a 13-year-old girl, you should probably go into hiding for the duration of this movie’s theater run. In fact, I’m fairly convinced were a 28 Days Later situation to occur in real life, the culprit would not be a chemical virus called “rage” or “fury,” but rather an army of brainwashed tweens wielding rudimentary weapons, parading through the streets on a quest for blood. Which is basically how high school is anyway. 

For Shits and Giggles

For those of you not tuned in to the world of completely made up holidays, Wednesday is National Nut Day. If you’re looking for ways to celebrate, perhaps you could check out some nut recipes. Maybe you could hold some nuts, lick some nuts, toss some nuts in a friend’s mouth. You could buy a nutcracker, and crack some nuts, or step on nuts, or grind nuts to make a nutty topping for ice cream. But if you’re going for the simple solution, my advice is to grab a can of your favorite cashews, peanuts, pistachios, what have you — and chuck it at the nearest guy’s balls. 

Last Week’s Highlights

• Eminem Named Best Rapper Alive — “Jay-Z, who has self-proclaimed himself ‘best rapper alive’ more than once, lost out to Eminem in the final round, as did Lil Wayne. One can only hope the solution to these contradictions isn’t making someone the best rapper …not alive.”
• Politics and Gay Clubbing — “Gay bars, no matter where you are in the world, are no place for politics. Even if it’s three thirty in the morning and the staff is telling you to leave. No, in fact, especially if it’s three thirty in the morning and the staff is telling you to leave.”
• Sarah Palin GUILTY — “‘Troopergate’ is just more anecdotal evidence to something we all already know: if Todd Palin gets to the White House, he’s going to get his wife to start a war with Canada because he’s got a snowmobilin’ feud with some hoser from British Columbia.”
• Are You Not Entertained? — “The $250 billion in CD-sale losses figure is approaching ‘total’ on the Magic Bullshit Scale, which is copyrighted, by the way. So take note, you scurvy scalawags… I see you looking at my intellectual property and I don’t like it.”