Respect Authority

So Clay Aiken, pop starlet and leader of an army I’m far more concerned with than terrorists, finally came out of the closet last week, to the surprise of literally not a single person in the world. What did give me a slight shock was that Aiken laid down the gay card so early, effectively upping the ante for anything he plans to reveal down the line, when he’s just that much more washed up. Heroin addiction, animal abuse or sudden weight gain are all that’s left for him now.

This isn’t to say anyone should feel uncomfortable with their sexual orientation. In fact, if I had my way, Clay would have been out of the closet on American Idol, using his mythical voice to represent the gay population instead of the elvin one. But since he chose to make a mini-spectacle of his outing, let’s take a look at other “I’m gay” celebrity moments.

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Portia de Rossi: De Rossi’s aesthetic appeal makes her personal life that much more interesting to those of us who have followed her since Ally McBeal. Calista Flockhart’s nonstop crises may have been the show’s main fodder, but that waif’s mousy neuroses had nothing on de Rossi. Her eventual outing made major headlines, primarily because it gave people carte blanche to imagine her having hot lesbian sex.
Verdict: Wild success. Ellegen Degeneres has only been icing on her pink-triangle shaped cake.

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Lance Bass: Bass, who came out via a People magazine cover in July 2006, is the first person I’d be watching my back for if I was Clay Aiken. Bass’ career was veritably nonexistent by the time he made his sexuality public, and his outing served as a public résumé for every gay organization in need of a semi-famous face to flaunt. But while the ‘N Sync crooner’s revelation was only negligibly more surprising than Aiken’s, the magazine cover angle made it memorable. Aiken pretty unfairly stole his gay thunder.
Verdict: The moment’s passed. To be washed up is one thing, to be so washed up that Clay Aiken coming out of the closet trumps you… sorry Lance, career over.

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Rosie O’Donnell: Everyone knew Rosie needed to get something off her chest — no grown woman should have that sort of obsession with Koosh balls. So when in 2002, O’Donnell literally said “I’m a dyke,” people were mostly relieved to drop the façade. Still, it was a rather impressive coincidence that her revelation came just two months before the end of her show. Putting a face to gay rights issues would have been easier if Rosie had a platform to do it on.
Verdict: Too late in the game. O’Donnell told reporters she didn’t understand why anyone cared about sexuality. By the time she made her own orientation public, no one did.

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Cynthia Nixon: Sex and the City’s Miranda didn’t come out of the closet, so much as no one ever really gave a shit if she was dating, let alone who. Still, her affinity for lady lumberjacks was made public around 2004, when photos of her with activist Christine Marinoni surfaced. The two have been happily boring us ever since.
Verdict: She made the right move in keeping it quiet. The only thing worse than a negative response to your outing is no response at all.

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Lindsay Lohan: The most recent A-lister to go public, Lindsay Lohan recently said during an interview that her relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson had been going on for a “very long time.” While I’m the first to support anything that keeps Lohan tame enough to remember her underwear, I’m not quite on the LiRoSoLo boat yet. Unlike most celebrities, Lindsay exhausted her cadre of outrageous behavior early on, and going gay kind of just seems like the logical next step.
Verdict: Wait-and-see. The two make a cute couple, but
if it turns out to be a play for the spotlight, I’m totally boycotting I Know Who Killed Me.

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Ellen Degeneres: In 1996, Ellen outed herself via a fictional television appearance, followed by full public disclosure. For several super-gay weeks, people became obsessed with her personal life, prompting the sort of media frenzy usually reserved for starlet crotch-shots. But the public response wasn’t all good. Ellen took the heat that comes with being the first, and has since laughed her way to the bank.
Verdict: None. Ellen was the original, save maybe those old ladies that got married in California.