Respect Authority

It takes a confident man to lose to a girl. Or at least one so poorly versed in the English language that it’s impossible to interpret whether he’s embarrassed or not. So went Whiteboy’s tragic defeat during Sunday’s season finale of I Love Money, otherwise known as the apex of VH1 reality programming.

For those poor unfortunate souls who didn’t watch every amazing moment leading up to the finale, I’ll sum up: the show starts with more than a dozen contestants, and they love money. Throughout the course of the season it became apparent they love other things too: bikinis, alcohol, and wearing bikinis while drinking alcohol. But mostly, they love money, and through a series of completely ludicrous “physical” challenges, each attempted to win some ($250,000 to be exact).

The finale came down to four contestants: Real (soon to be the star of his own show on VH1), Whiteboy, “My torso is so long it’s scary” Megan, and “I’m too normal to be on this show” Hoopz. The latter eventually won the entire thing, making her the first two-time reality programming victor after her less-impressive/more-disgusting win on Flavor of Love, but the magic of the finale itself was all Whiteboy, who said more words in this episode than the rest of the season combined, for reasons that were immediately obvious.

“The truth of the matter is you took your mind off your money, dawg. I ain’t got nothing to do wit your girl, I ain’t never disrespect you or Hoopz, dawg, I’m a loyal cat, homie. You wanna focus, bro.”

“She’s a hell of a competitor. She’s got a memory like … like a eagle or something.”

More than anything, the season finale made it shocking to me that Whiteboy managed to fill out an audition form, let alone catapult to the kind of success that had him one strong black woman away from a quarter million dollars. If he doesn’t get his own show out of this, I will be disappointed, but if he does, I certainly realize they’re going to have to find a way to minimize speaking time.

The only downside to the season finale was actually the sincerity of its conclusion. After winning the money, Hoopz displayed the kind of shocked disbelief you see when Publishers Clearing House delivers oversized checks to unsuspecting suburbanites. And while I admire her excitement to provide for her mother and sisters with the winnings, I can’t say I wouldn’t have been more thrilled to hear Pumpkin outline her breast implant plans, or Chance vow to get the Stallionaires’ clothing line up and running. Maybe next time on, on the season finale of I Love Gold Bricks.