Respect Authority

Revenge of the nerds indeed. Two sophomore J.V. football players at Stuyvesant High School became violently sick this week after drinking Gatorade spiked not with vodka, rum or any typical punch-bowl spirit, but copper sulfate, a chemical fungicide their peers had stolen from the school lab. One of the kids started coughing up blood, and both became violently ill. 

Police have since arrested one sophomore and charged him with reckless endangerment, though everyone breathe easy — both football players recovered in time for the big homecoming game! The 13-year-old was given two weeks suspension, and six other team players who knew about the prank but failed to report it were suspended from the team. 

I’m sorry, isn’t Stuyvesant High School notorious for its population of intelligent students? This harkens back to a June incident where two seniors at the Brooklyn School for Global Studies served their teachers cake laced with laxatives, resulting in a big class trip to the emergency room. 

We’re all so busy looking for the trenchcoat-wearing Goth kids with swastika tattoos and obvious vendettas that no one seems to care about the high school warfare taking place underneath the radar. Seriously kids, keep your belongings at your side at all times and don’t accept candy from strangers, or fellow classmates.

But go ahead and keep eating the cafeteria food — if it hasn’t killed you already, nothing will. 

[New York magazine]