Respect Authority

In honor of Halloween, let’s take a two-decade walk down memory lane to one of the greatest “Is this actually a children’s movie?” children’s movies of all time: The Witches.

For those who don’t know, The Witches is a 1990 movie based on a Roald Dahl (of Charlie and Chocolate Factory fame) book by the same name. Starring Angelica Houston as the Grand High Witch, The Witches tells the story of a recently orphaned boy who’s taken to England by his grandmother. While traveling, the two stay in a hotel where a group of witches has also gathered corporate-conference style, to discuss their plot to rid the world of all children.

If you’re anything like me, your initial reaction was “Excellent idea! When can we start?” …but don’t get it twisted: these witches are no joke. For one, they’re hideous. Not pointed-hat hideous, but pointed nose/square feet/no hair/scabby/old/wrinkled hideous. Legit frightening. Few movie scenes that I perceived as terrifying as a child have really stuck with me, but the scene in this movie where the assembled witches “disrobe,” removing wigs and masks to reveal their true appearances (see above), still makes me want to pee my pants a little. That and when Judge Doom drops the shoe in a vat of toon-killing “dip” in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? So sad.

I won’t pretend The Witches is a terrifying film. Rather, it’s just creepy, the way Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (both incarnations) was. You never quite know if you’re supposed to be entertained or afraid, or maybe both. And the plot is peppered with mildly unpleasant scenes that have you looking around the theater like “Seriously? What’s this rated?” Like when boy-lead Luke is turned into a mouse via a violent seizure, or when Angelica Houston pushes a baby carriage down a cliff — with a baby still in it.

You likely won’t be able to track the film down for this Halloween, unless you’re game for watching the entire thing on YouTube (which I am). But a 2-disc Special Edition is supposedly on its way, so get excited!

Creepy trailer below.