Respect Authority

Fuck Keira Knightley. Can I say that? I hope so, because I just did. Fuck that British waif and all her stupid movies, that have somehow in their collective shit-tasticary made “Kira” a name people associate with period pieces and glaring underbites. Bitter much? Yes.

The Dutchess, Knightley’s latest movie, which disappointingly has a decent 61% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, highlights everything about Knightley that annoys me, which is to say my overarching thesis that were she not a British actress, she would be a complete nobody, and I would have back both the sanctity of my name and countless wasted hours spent watching her “I’m so defiant until I fall in love and live happily ever after” shtick.

In fairness, I can admit that I have actually enjoyed the vast majority of Knightley’s films. Atonement was as good as the book, Pirates of the Caribbean (1 through 74) were all at least mildly enjoyable, as was Pride & Prejudice. And obviously I enjoyed Love Actually, being that I am not a soulless robot. What I object to is not the caliber of Knightley’s cinematic choices, but the fact that she is merely filling a void in the world of marketable British actresses, and almost solely for that reason is jutting her chin all the way to the bank. 

For the variety of time periods and geographic settings of her movies, Knightley has managed to essentially play the same character every time. She’s always the seemingly-innocent but ultimately independent beauty who definitely lands the guy, but only after she proves to him that she doesn’t take no shit from no man. She also likes to wear flowy dresses. 

In America, there is no “Keira Knightley,” and not because no one has the talent or looks to fill the same roles. It’s because, in America, there are several dozen Keira Knightleys fighting for the same roles, with the same looks, and the same talent. Anne Hathaway, Rachel McAdams, Michelle Monaghan — They must find it hard to sleep at night knowing that 23-year-old British bitch is getting roles left and right, simply because she says “biscuit” instead of cookie and “loo” instead of crapper. I wish I could make Keira Knightley American for just one year. I want her to go to auditions here, and grapple with the Hathaways and Monaghans, and fight for roles the way we ‘Mericans fought for our independence.

And then, just for good measure, I want to punch her in her face.