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Archive for October 2008

Happy Halloween, bitches.

Filed Under: Food and Drink

Nauseating Halloween Costume

I should have said “not safe for work” …but I didn’t!

 
kira

5:00 PM on October 31st, 2008 | 

Posted by kira

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Winehouse Drug Dealers Charged, Jails Filled

Filed Under: Music

winehouse1-300x450Breaking news: someone sold Amy Winehouse drugs

A couple who sold footage of the singer smoking crack to a newspaper has reportedly pled guilty to charges that they were the ones supplying the drugs. In fact, the two offered to supply Winehouse with cocaine and ecstasy in the hopes of covertly filming the inevitable abuse of substances.

There are two best parts to this story, and I can’t decide which is better. For one, detectives who charged the drug-dealing couple decided there “wasn’t enough evidence to charge Winehouse.” I would say that at any given time of day, Amy Winehouse looks like she’s on about 34 different drugs, to say nothing of actually catching her on camera.

And second, when they raided the drug couple’s home, detectives found a list of celebrities they had reportedly supplied with drugs. Johnny Blagrove and Cara Burton: drug dealers to the stars. 

 
kira

4:05 PM on October 31st, 2008 | 

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Thou Shalt Always Kill

Filed Under: Music

This isn’t the newest thing in the world, but for those of us who, every few weeks or so, like to spend a period of days living under a rock, the song “Thou Shalt Always Kill” by Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip is pretty fucking awesome in a “that weird Sunscreen Song that came out a few years ago” kind of way, without being so new-agey and appealing primarily to not-quite-entirely jaded baby boomers. The lyrics are funny, insightful, and just edgy enough that you don’t feel like a loser for listening to some British dude with a weird voice preaching at a microphone.

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho.”
When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop.”
When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise — kill me.
Thou shalt not quote me happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a Polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish you girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt spell the word “Pheonix” P-H-E-O-N-I-X not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying “Is it”.
Thou shalt think for yourselves.
And thou shalt always kill.

Thou shalt also listen to this mashup of the song with A Place To Bury Strangers by the ever-compelling Hood Internet, Thou Shalt Always Fix The Gash In Your Head. And with that, I think I’m about ready to start talking like a normal person again.

 
aaron

3:00 PM on October 31st, 2008 | 

Posted by aaron

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Angelica Houston Never Looked So Bad

Filed Under: Movies

witchesIn honor of Halloween, let’s take a two-decade walk down memory lane to one of the greatest “Is this actually a children’s movie?” children’s movies of all time: The Witches.

For those who don’t know, The Witches is a 1990 movie based on a Roald Dahl (of Charlie and Chocolate Factory fame) book by the same name. Starring Angelica Houston as the Grand High Witch, The Witches tells the story of a recently orphaned boy who’s taken to England by his grandmother. While traveling, the two stay in a hotel where a group of witches has also gathered corporate-conference style, to discuss their plot to rid the world of all children.

If you’re anything like me, your initial reaction was “Excellent idea! When can we start?” …but don’t get it twisted: these witches are no joke. For one, they’re hideous. Not pointed-hat hideous, but pointed nose/square feet/no hair/scabby/old/wrinkled hideous. Legit frightening. Few movie scenes that I perceived as terrifying as a child have really stuck with me, but the scene in this movie where the assembled witches “disrobe,” removing wigs and masks to reveal their true appearances (see above), still makes me want to pee my pants a little. That and when Judge Doom drops the shoe in a vat of toon-killing “dip” in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? So sad. Read More ›

 
kira

2:00 PM on October 31st, 2008 | 

Posted by kira

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Talk To The Wrist ‘Cuz The Hand Is On Vacation

Filed Under: Technology and Gadgetry

Welcome to the fucking future.

ibangle1

I feel like first, I should let you know that this is actually not a joke. The name? Fucking horrible, but the idea itself… pretty amazing aside from the fact that, in practice, you’d look like a fucking Star Trek ass loser from space. These are the insane machinations of designer Gopinath Prasana, and while the iBangle is not currently slated for production, there’s a good chance we’ll see something like this come to light.

ibangle31

It will retain all the usual functions of an iPod, effectively being an iPod shuffle on your wrist, with a scroll pad, wireless earbuds, and an air chamber on the inside of the wrist that can be gradually inflated so the device can fit snugly. No word on commercial jetpacks yet (although there is, staggeringly terrible music choice aside, this)… but it’s nice to see that we’re getting there. Read More ›

 
aaron

12:56 PM on October 31st, 2008 | 

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The King Is Dead

Filed Under: TV

King of the Hill canceledStop the daggone presses.

Fox, who, to be frank, doesn’t usually seem this concerned with the caliber of its television, said this week it will not renew long-running animated show King of the Hill, instead airing the final episode sometime during the 2009-10 season.

Shockingly, King of the Hill has already put out some 250 episodes, despite the fact that show was never actually that funny. Perhaps more shockingly, while Fox was quick to put the kibosh on Family Guy (ultimately a move they regretted and retracted), a contract for American Dad WAS renewed this week, no questions asked. At least I understand why longest-running-animated-sitcom The Simpsons was given another season — whoever drops the axe on that one is going to Hell on principle.

Although I suspect the decision had more to do with ratings than national sentiment, perhaps this could be a sign of good things to come. Fewer Americans being entertained by cartoons about rednecks, beer and unwanted pregnancies? Are society’s values changing? Are we really starting to understand the lunacy of putting our country in the hands of people who list “big-game hunting” and “Miller Lite” among their hobbies?

Methinks not. Instead, the bar on inane television has simply sunk lower.

 
kira

12:02 PM on October 31st, 2008 | 

Posted by kira

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Ratting out rats

Filed Under: New York

ratat1You can search for everything online these days. With just a few mouse clicks, it’s within my power to find out all of the Gap stores, Bank of America locations and indicted sex offenders within a five-mile radius of my apartment — and office! And now, thanks to New York City’s latest backhanded attempt to take piles of money and set them on fire, I can find out where the rats are too.

The Rat Information Portal, complete with a searchable map of rat inspections and violations, debuted yesterday on the city’s Web site. The site gives advice on getting rid of rats and encourages residents to act as “rat watchdogs” (seriously), using the map to track trouble spots and pressuring property owners slow to address the problem. Really thorough readers can even find photos of rat droppings on the site, ostensibly to identify similar droppings in their vicinity. Though, really if you stumble across unidentified droppings in your apartment, you better hope it’s only rats.

I can’t say I understand this Web site, or why the city would put significant resources behind it. For one, there are rats everywhere. I expect a map of rats in New York City would look like a map of Starbucks in New York City, except multiplied by a billion. I would also expect it to correlate very seriously with a map of homeless people hangouts in New York City which, consequently, I would much prefer. I would love to map out (and avoid) areas of condensed homeless populations and learn to identify homeless-person droppings.

I suppose in some way I appreciate the city’s effort to thwart the rat population. After all, I was pretty peeved that one time a mouse/rat found its way into my office stash of hot chocolate packets.

Still, I can’t help but feel that money and time could be better spent on other things — like you know, crime, or drugs, or those weird centipede creatures that keep showing up in my kitchen.

 
kira

11:00 AM on October 31st, 2008 | 

Posted by kira

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“Does It Have 3G Then?”

Filed Under: London, Technology and Gadgetry

g11T-Mobile’s G1, the notorious Google Phone, was released in the UK yesterday and coldly cockblocks Apple’s path to world wide mobile domination. To be clear, by “cockblock” I mean the phone grabs Steve Jobs’ dick, rips it off, travels back in time and tricks young Steve Jobs into eating it when he wasn’t a slowly dying vegan. It’s that cold.

CNET UK, armed with a brand new G1 and a hopelessly passé iPhone 3G, staged a wireless data competition and found that the G1 downloaded webpages twice as fast as the iPhone 3G.

…we visited barackobama.com. The G1 took 45 seconds to load the page, the iPhone 3G took 1 minute 38 seconds…

They ran an additional test on their WiFi network and found the load times to be comparable, meaning that the software and processing capacities were about equal. CNET UK speculates that the O2 network, the iPhone’s exclusive carrier in England, is holding back the iPhone’s capacities. Well what about their chipsets?

The article makes the point of comparing another T-Mobile 3G phone to the G1 (I know, not enough Gs in that sentence, here’s another… aaaand his myspace for good measure). The point is, two phones on the same network had widely variable load times. So its not the network, its the chipset right?

Apple’s iPhone 3G uses an Infineon chip, which has no reported history of inadequacy, whereas the G1 uses a dual-core integrated processing chip from Qualcomm. Now, I have no idea what that means but I do know that they’re different and the sooner RA opens its coffers up and buys me a G1, the faster I can unlock it and test it against an iPhone right here in real America/keep it for myself.

And you’ll be damn sure I won’t be using any pinko websites to test the loading speeds. Country First loads as fast as freedom on this and any computer.

[Cheerio CNET]

 
lou

10:07 AM on October 31st, 2008 | 

Posted by lou

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The Original “Whuuut?”

Filed Under: Pop Culture

details_keanuDetails has Keanu Reeves on the cover of their Holiday 2008 issue, claiming the walking monotone is “the original dude.” Which, of course, he’s not, and that’s a retarded thing to say in the first place. It’s the most false statement I’ve ever heard. Nothing they could write in the subsequent article could possibly prove that Keanu Reeves is the original dude; it’s absolutely indefensible.

Plus, Keanu Reeves may be a dude, but he’s a shitty dude. He’s not a compelling or interesting person and doesn’t exude “good times” at all — he’s the dude you sit with on the couch all night asking each other what you should do in twenty minute intervals. He’s a boring person as it is, but because he’s a dude, it makes him even more boring.

More importantly, how could anybody ever prove who the original dude was? Who was the first person to exude certain characteristics that somewhere along the line became defined as “being a dude”? What even is a “dude,” exactly? Do you wear sun visors and drink Natty Lights on Saturday afternoon with your “boys,” or do are you a perma-stoned skateboarder who doesn’t shower enough? Are we all dudes? Does anybody know? Does anybody care? Read More ›

 
aaron

8:56 AM on October 31st, 2008 | 

Posted by aaron

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Crazy Astronuts Talk To Robots

Filed Under: Science and Medicine

Lisa Nowak

Lisa: "I'm afraid my space boyfriend is cheating on me with his wife, I'm thinking about kidnapping her." Virtual Therapist 5000: "SOLVE YOUR MALFUNCTION... COMPLETE MISSION."

Low Earth oribit, the perennial frontier. These are the voyages of the Soyuz space closet Soyuz II. Its continuing mission, to maintain orbit, stare at known worlds and exercise. To boldly go… not insane. Baaa da da dum ba ba ba.

Funny? Well not for the poor crazy astronaut muttering to himself several miles above you. That’s why Harvard researcher Dr. James Cartreine is building a virtual therapist for all those kooky astronauts trying to keep their heads in their space helmets.

Cartreine and his team have created a sophisticated automated flow chart that astronauts can use to engage in a popular therapy method called “problem solving treatment”. One problem though, according to Dr. Mark Hagel, “problem” is a word that’s apparently incompatible with the treatment of intense, motivated and problem free astronauts.

Hagal, the virtual therapist himself, spent hours shooting retakes of his advice snippets in order to avoid addressing an astronaut’s mental problem as a “problem” but rather as a “malfunction” or “challenge” — words that astronauts responded to more viscerally.

No word yet on how exactly a AIM chatbot is supposed to help astronauts suffering from long term isolation and debilitating feelings of dehumanization.

[AP]

 
lou

5:00 PM on October 30th, 2008 | 

Posted by lou

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Skate and Masturbate

Filed Under: Skateboarding

pools_and_pussyIt’s always sad to see skateboarding get perverted by outside corporations. Bagel Bites may be delicious, they may be particularly delicious after skateboarding, but that does not mean anyone on a skateboard should allow themselves to be made into a rolling Bagel Bites billboard. Naturally, it’s much sadder to see skateboarding get perverted by perverted skateboarders themselves.

Can I just say that a skateboarding pin-up calendar seems like the least necessary thing ever introduced into this culture? And this is an industry which rivals monster truck rallies in its self-indulgent futility.

Considering I’ve seen neon under-body lights on longboards before, you can kind of gauge exactly how worthless I think The Old Men Skateboarding Association’s Pools and Pussy calendar is. Read More ›

 
aaron

3:53 PM on October 30th, 2008 | 

Posted by aaron

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Down And Out

Filed Under: Pop Culture

Making fun of the mentally disabled is pretty much always a low blow. In the video below, a guy with Down Syndrome impulsively kicks a child, eliciting a fucking Street Fighter special move out of the child’s father. Not exactly a low blow, considering the punch is right to the face, but it’s certainly hard to feel good about yourself for KOing a retard. And meanwhile, the kid just watches and learns.

Okay, so I think we can all accept that there is no way there were any batteries in that phone, so the meager kick to the child’s underdeveloped groin is pretty uncalled for; however, you know that dad has been waiting his entire life to punch a retarded guy, playing out dozens of scenarios in his mind over the years, and finally got his excuse — “Fuckin’ mongoloid attacked my kid, what was I supposed to do? So I gave him one more reason to be a dummy.”

A couple years ago, a grocery store bagger with Down Syndrome plopped a gallon of milk on top of the dozen eggs at the bottom of the bag, a fact I sadly failed to realize until I got home. The crushed eggs have nothing, though, on how flattened out this guy gets. So I guess this is somewhere between karmic retribution and a totally unwarranted display of violence.

Ultimately, I think the only real enjoyment we can glean from this clip, whose sad realities are made obvious upon repeated viewings, is in acknowledging the fact that we’re not that guy, because getting hit that hard in the face really can’t be very much fun. Oh yeah, and I heard Down Syndrome isn’t all that, either.

 
aaron

2:40 PM on October 30th, 2008 | 

Posted by aaron

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